Being a 21st century girl certainly has its advantages and being able to screen your dates is one of them. Although signing up for a website that allows you to sift through a pool of pre-screened men seems almost too good to be true, there are drawbacks and downsides to meeting your next boyfriend through an online dating site. We've all seen the commercials featuring smiling, seemingly perfect couples, holding hands and walking barefoot along a private beach telling the camera that they wouldn't have found true love if it weren't for (insert dating site name here).com. But is finding Mr. Right online as easy as it seems? Not according to dating coach and cyber-dating expert, Julie Spira who penned the book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Spira believes that although finding a match on match.com is definitely possible, it's more than likely you'll hit a few roadblocks. Spira sat down with The Smart & Pretty to share her wisdom and advice for finding love online.

Q: First of all, what exactly is cyber dating? Could you define the term? 

A. Cyber dating is a modern day matchmaking system where people communicate on the Internet from the comfort of their own home and personal computer. Some choose to meet offline, others only enjoy online communications. 

Q. With online dating becoming more and more popular, what exactly are the biggest perils of cyber dating?

A. The biggest perils of cyber dating are:

1. Married people pretending to be single. Many people misrepresent themselves in their online dating profiles. It is not uncommon to find individuals who are married signing up for these services claiming to be single.  I actually met a man online in 1995 that had proposed marriage to multiple women. Unfortunately, he was still married. Sometimes individuals who are married or unavailable sign up for these services for entertainment purposes or to fill a void that is missing in their love lives at home. Other times, they are trying to test the water to see if the grass is greener before ending a relationship they are still hanging onto. Either way, if it has happened to someone, they quite often get discouraged and immediately think cyber dating isn’t for them and cancel their account. 

2. People lying about their age or height, etc. In addition, it is not uncommon for those to lie about their age, height, weight, or financial status.  Unfortunately, there are those who view online dating as a way to reinvent themselves and the opportunity to stretch the truth to fit into a “search.”  Typically this occurs when a milestone birthday arrives. It’s common for singles to take 5-10 years of their age or weight in a profile or have photos posted that are not current. Nothing is worse than that look of disappointment on someone’s face when you don’t look like your photo as you enter a restaurant.

3. The instant relationship. Another concern is the false illusion that you are in a relationship with someone that you are communicating with online. People get attached too quickly to emails and text messages from people they have never met. The sooner you can transfer your online correspondence to an offline relationship, the sooner you will find out if the relationship is worth pursuing in real life.

Q. What should young women be aware of when meeting people they have only spoken to online or over the phone?

A. First of all, you need to move your online correspondence to the phone as soon as possible. It’s best to have the phone conversation within the first week or two of communicating. If you find yourself comfortable on the phone and have some phone chemistry, then schedule a time to meet in a public place. Don’t feel you must meet everyone who writes to you. The majority of those who write to you online are not suitable matches. Bear in mind, that it takes time to get to know someone. You are only learning how they write on a keyboard at first. If you are unable to reach someone on the telephone and all calls only go to a voicemail, it’s a red flag. It could mean the person is unavailable.  
 

Q. Do you have any suggestions to improve the cyber dating experience? 

A. Of course, here are some of my tips:

1. Create an irresistible online dating profile. Have professional photos taken and look your best. They don’t have to be glamour shots, but wouldn’t you want a rock star resume for the perfect job? You should feel the same way about your online dating profile. Show yourself in a casual way, a professional way, and in a more formal way. Let your personality shine. Too many photos will scare someone away. Get your hair done, wear your favorite color, and SMILE! Be authentic in representing the real you. Be brief and specific about what you are looking for in a partner. The more specific you are the greater chance you have in meeting a compatible companion.

2. Devote time to spend on meeting someone. If you are too busy to find the time to write back to those who are pursuing you, or you don’t have time to select potential mates, don’t sign up for an online dating service. You won’t get the results you want, and it isn’t fair to those who write to you who are sincere in their intentions.

3. Be organized. It’s not a class project or a thesis, but you need to have some organizational skills to successfully determine who might be a possible match for you. I recommend using a Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet. If you are more comfortable in using a notebook instead, that is fine. As long as you are organized, you will be able to make the best selections. When your Inbox is overflowing with suitors, and you can look at the different options on a single page, you are more likely to start the communication process.

4. Be specific. Be specific in what you are looking for and represent yourself accurately. Don’t send the same email to every person. It will come across as SPAM. Find something that you find interesting in the profile of the one who caught your eye and mention it in your opening sentence. Chances are, you will get a better response rate.

5. Trust your intuition. If stories aren’t adding up online or on the phone, chances are they won’t add up offline. If your gut and intuition are telling you something feels wrong, take a pass. There’s always another email waiting to arrive. 

6. Don't become a serial dater. Sure, it’s a numbers game. But if you become overwhelmed with three dates a day, chances are you might not be giving someone the chance or time to shine. Don’t become obsessed or addicted to your online dating account. 
 
 

Q. Do you think cyber dating and the ability to pre-screen your dates on websites like eharmony and match.com have changed the way we perceive dating? 

A. Pre-screening is a tool that I highly recommend. There are many services and background search companies that you can easily use to check out your date. Many online dating sites offer this as a part of their membership. Don’t overdo it and hire a private detective. If you start with a simple Google search, I recommend that you keep the information to yourself. If you tell someone you are doing a search, they might think you are a cyber stalker and will run the other way. 

Q. How many profiles out there are false? And if we think we may have found a cyber-liar, what are the signs we should look for?

A. There is no exact data as to how many people have false profiles at any given time. While it is easy to lie on your online dating profile, there are several ways that you can find out if someone is sincere or authentic. If they are in a profession that needs to be licensed, information on the Internet can be easily found to determine if their story adds up.  If someone says they are divorced and the county records state that they are still married, chances are there is more they may be hiding. 

Q. What are the best dating services/websites/ways to meet quality people online? 

A. The beauty with cyber-dating sites, online dating services, and social dating sites is that there is something for everyone. Some sites are more geared towards marriage and others are more geared towards casual relationships. Some are free, and others are paid. The rise in popularity for niche sites based upon your hobbies, profession, and even astrological sign, can help bring singles together. My recommendation it to cast a wide net and look at expanding your social and business network. If you fall in love in the process, it’s like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

More specifically, Match.com is one of the biggest and most popular of the online dating sites. As a result you get both singles who are looking for serious relationships as well as singles who are looking for casual relationships.  More and more singles are using their social networking sites and are meeting through popular Facebook applications. One of my favorites is Zoosk who currently has over 20 million users for their Facebook application.  For marriage-minded singles, I recommend eHarmony, Chemistry.com, and JDate. For singles on a budget, I always recommend Plenty of Fish and Singlesnet due to the large subscriber base, and they are both free services.

Q. What are the worst? 

A. Sites with too few members on them make it difficult to meet someone. I'd also avoid sites that truly are not set up for matchmaking. Many singles meet are meeting on Craigslist, but if their goal is to seriously date and mate, I suggest they balance it out with one of the traditional online dating sites.

Q. Can you tell us about your very worst cyber dating experience? 

A. The worst experience I personally suffered through as a result of cyber dating, was the man I actually married who I met online. Had I done a background check on him, information would have been presented to me that might have prevented me from marrying him. It was a painful lesson, and I choose to talk about it openly with the sincere hope of helping other singles see the red flags and prevent another heartbreak. For me, it’s turning lemons into lemonade. 
 

Q. Do you believe it's possible for people to find good people and good matches online? What's the best way to ensure a good dating experience? 

A. Absolutely! The online dating pool continues to grow. Online dating has never been more popular than it is now. There’s no longer a stigma associated with online dating like there was when I first started in 1994. I have become an online dating ambassador and enjoy meeting those who have successfully met online. I feature success stories in the Cyber Love Story of the Week feature on my site, CyberDatingExpert.com specifically to give hope to other singles that they can successfully meet someone in cyberspace.

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